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im back from the dead

So, as you may have noticed. I have dropped off from the edge of the world.
Well, I’m back and this is what happened.
The soul sickness started in 2013.
At first, it was subtle.
Started feeling sorta detached, not “me”, an imposter operating out of the husk of my former self.
Stopped getting pleasure out of things that used to provoke my id.
I have a habit of falling in a whirlwind of aesthetic love with people I paint.
Ill get stuck on someone for awhile. painting them so much, I am afraid of creeping them out.
Well, this hopeless romanticism, abated. I had no muse.
My productivity in art declined.
Maybe I am growing up?? This is fucking horrible.
No, cant be that, still have no interest in floor rugs or ordering blue apron meals.
Early 2017 it started to get worse.
After caterpillars spin into their cocoons, they completely liquefy their bodies and turn into a type of primordial slime.
I felt like the slime. Losing myself utterly.
But I didn’t transition. I stayed in a sea of murky goo.
cut all contact off with friends. Started to disassociate.
In the winter of 2017, my physical body rapidly went into a state of decline.
I was having blurry vision, and lightning storms when I closed my eyes. Extreme fatigue. deep horrible pain in my womb and gut. The pain crippled me to the point where I would just lay on the kitchen floor for hours. I had been seeking medical treatment during this time, a few months of taking more antibiotics than a Purdue chicken, kept hitting dead ends with proper diagnosis.
A visiting doctor to the island figured it out right off the bat.
I had a tumor growing deep under my brain, on my pituitary gland.
I started treatment in April, my physical symptoms got better, but, mentally I was a mess. I was having trouble speaking, my cognition was in severe decline.
I felt passionless, not creating art. Months and months of more dead ends from doctors, I was pretty close to killing myself, not a life I wanted to live.
The endocrine system is extremely complicated and interconnected to many other systems, including function of your hypothalamus, impacting your neurotransmitter function. Most endocrinologists are unfamiliar with pituitary disease, so researched on my own for a solution.
Went to a psychiatrist, to get a script mentioned in a few experimental studies with brain tumor patients.
The new medicine bought me back from the dead. I am FINALLY back to painting and being a semi-functional person again. As these types of tumors are slow growing, I think i have been in a low dopamine state for years. I just thought my soul was dying.
So anyways, that’s it. I will most likely be able to treat it with medicine, and most likely will avoid brain surgery. Its highly unlikely its cancerous, but, I will know that for certain with my next MRI. Ill do another post on what its like living here on Nantucket, as this post is way to long.

sold

IMG_0997I don’t have measuring tape, but, pretty sure these are 20×20 on gallery canvas.

For left side: sold

For right side painting:  sold

a life update.

someone requested a life update, so here it is.

I left portland in may. its a pretty place, i made some great friends, but i was getting restless and tired of the ultra liberal coddling and complaining. my cigarette can not be bothering you from 600 feet away outside on a windy day. incessant correcting and whining. its all about building condos and its not hurting people’s feelings. So, i have returned to the east, where people are mean and funny.

i came to nantucket to work for the summer. i picked up a waitress gig for the season.
i was hoping to go insane during the winter. its pretty isolated after november, and its a thing there where people lose it. i was hoping to skate on that edge for art improvement sake. besides crushing loneliness, i have remained pretty sane.

i really dig nantucket. it gets so dark at night, sometimes you cant see your hand in front of your face. i pass time metal detecting the beaches like a retired dad because i don’t really have friends yet.

i am living with a Russian body builder who doesn’t know english, so we communicate in pig noises. sometimes i worry that i am setting him up wrong for american culture because the luck of the draw put him with me.

i found a $38 ticket to florida, so i am here now. i am camping in yards, and staying with friends. its nice to be among my people. florida is a big beautiful trash can. ill be returning to Massachusetts maybe in 2 weeks, maybe less. i miss the nantucket bleakness.

ive gotten my first tube of lead paint. i talked to an artist on nantucket about it, and he sold me on it, so maybe ill go insane from the lead and cut off my ears and maybe my art will make another leap into getting better.

 

30×48

30×48 oils.soldfullsizerender5

 

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“Vanessa” 36×48. sold.

 

 

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“Stefanie” 22×30 sold.